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TO: My Dear Pets

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The hall way and stairway were not designed by NASCAR and are not racetracks. Beating me to the bottom of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I can fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine or push the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine and/or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is to kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I can not stress this enough.

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets

•1. They live here, you don't.

•2. If you don't want hair on your clothes stay off of the furniture. (That is why they call it "fur"niture.)

•3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

•4. To you, it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and does not speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they eat less, don't ask for money all of the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell their children.